Not Fun

I awoke at 6 a.m., sort of invigorated despite my mother’s passing last month (See Blog, “Deep Challenge in Times of Joy,” Dec. 2) In my grief, I feel somewhat tired and sad at the loss of her earthly presence. After completing some writing for my blog, I spoke with my daughter who lives in Sardinia. Ambitiously, I set out to walk 14 blocks to Atlas bank to make a deposit, and then over to the other side of Park Slope, to the Community Book Store to collect a book I’d ordered for a client. Whew! This was a 2-mile journey, and I was energized! Lunch consisted of a delicious omelet with fresh broccolini. I awaited Oscar’s arrival between 1:30 – 2 p.m., for a chat, tea and work on our project… There is always so much to do, and I ‘puttered’ from one task to another — putting clothing away, answering phone calls and texts. Oscar texted me at 2:15 to say he was one his way. I remember feeling glad that he would be a little late, as there was so much for me to accomplish. He phoned me a bit later to say he had taken the G train in the wrong direction because he was at work on his iphone. He arrived at 3:20 or so! As always, I am glad to see him. We have much in common and my web development project draws us into enthusiastic collaboration. I depend on his social media expertise, and his gift for editorial comment. He loves my book, and the teamwork. I brought up his lateness, as this happens often and I’ve said little about it. He became defensive, and then outright angry with me. (I want to add that we have a very different sensibility about time. He moves around the city meeting others and running errands.) He made the effort, as he always does, to come to my place for our meetings. He felt unappreciated and hurt. I say that I would gladly meet him at a coffee shop. Oscar reassures that he wants to come to my place: This is not the point; it is comfortable; we have tea and tasty snacks. He tells me that I am a privileged person who, by career, has people come to see me on a schedule. I’m used to staying put. (This part is true. But am I privileged?) Linda: “I feel disrespected, like a ‘lady in waiting.’ My intention is to communicate my feelings. Our time is equally valuable. With an agreement to meet at 1:30 to 2:00, it would be reasonable to arrive somewhere around this parameter.” Oscar: “This is big. You feel disrespected.” Linda: “This isn’t big. It’s a small point.” Oscar: “You’re not being clear, then.” Linda: “Roughly, I’m putting something under a microscope so that we can discuss it. On a continuum, this is small.” Oscar: “You’re being unclear.” Linda We are not on the same page, and so I think it is better to keep on point rather than go off on a tangent. Oscar “I made a mistake. Am working on my lateness.” Linda “I don’t see it as a mistake. I want to communicate about a relative situation where we each have a different opinion about time.” Oscar “I am happy if someone arrives an hour late. Glad they made the effort.” Linda “You left your apartment at 1:45 to get to me by 2:00. You started out late.” At this point, we start going round and round sharing our point of view. We agree to stop. Linda: “Neither of us is ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’” I reassure; we are, pursuing a discussion about a relative understanding.” We agree to work on our project, and Oscar realizes that his anger is not directed at me, but really felt for another person. This is a relief to both of us. I begin to talk project, but neither of us is ready. Oscar asks for a break. After 10 minutes or so, we resume work and share valuable, even amazing insights. This was possible because we took time out and allowed ourselves the space to shift the energy: we deliberately moved our vibration to a higher frequency which allowed us to direct this interaction from a higher perspective, one infused with rather than opposition! Viewed from the level of the ego, we risked the ire of the prior conversation without being polarized, agreeing to disagree. Together, this was a ‘go’ vibrationally and interactionally. We did not have fun this afternoon, yet we genuinely communicated, our differing views on time. I do believe we reached a prize – emotional collaborative effort toward compassion – which increases our vibration. Each of us showed compassion for ourselves, first, through sharing our feelings. After being heard, we could feel compassion for the other, because we felt respected by the other. “All’s well that ends well” (Shakespeare, 1604-5, Wikipedia). This is a prime example of the daily, sometimes bumpy road toward compassion. Wow! I feel exhausted…yet pleased…I am uplifted by knowing myself more…reaching upward toward the energetic charge of self-love… Speak to you on March 3rd! Linda

#shakespeare #allswellthatendswell #compassion #makingapoint #communication

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Linda Marsanico

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